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There is only one type of transgression that can rob a couple of their relationship, their happiness, and their identity: an affair. Adultery has existed since marriage was invented, as has the taboo surrounding it. In fact, infidelity has a tenacity that marriage can only envy, so much so that it is the only commandment repeated twice in the Bible: once for the action and once for the intention. So, how do we reconcile what is universally forbidden and yet universally practiced?
This is a definition I like of what an affair is; it brings together three key elements: a secret relationship, which is the essence of an affair; a bond of varying degrees of emotional connection; and sexual alchemy. The key word here is alchemy, because the erotic thrill is such that the kiss you're only imagining can be as strong and seductive as hours and hours spent making love. As Marcel Proust said, it is our imagination that causes love, not the other person. When we seek another's gaze, it's not always our partner we turn our back on, but on the person we've become. We're not so much looking for another person as we are looking for another ourselves. Contrary to what you might think, affairs have little to do with sex and much more to do with desire: a desire for attention, a desire to feel special, a desire to feel important. The precise structure of an affair, the fact that you can never have your lover, leads you to want him. It is in itself a desire machine, because incompleteness, ambiguity, make you want what you can't have. How do you heal from an affair? Desire is deep. Betrayal is deep. But it can be healed. Some affairs are the death knell for relationships that are already withering. But others will give us the jolt of new possibilities. The fact is that most couples who have experienced betrayal stay together. But some of these will simply survive, while others will truly be able to turn the crisis into an opportunity. They will be able to capable of transforming it into a growth experience."

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