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Ars_Sonor on 03/06/2017 at 08:44PM
"...Russia is, always was, and always will be... a very cold and brutal country, in all senses. Everyone hates everyone. Especially now, in the 2010s. I empathize deeply with those who cannot escape Russia for many reasons... Igor Har, for instance. Sadly... the bullies within the Russian system tend to thrive. Onishchenko... who, I guess, started picking on me because I failed to share a certain videogame with him... Nikolaev, one of the ultimate architects of my misery in school... I wonder whether he was a pedophile actually, given the certain stories floating about... Mulyukina, the cold-blooded reptile overwatch within the system, who inspired the 'Evolution' track... in connection to all these bullies I recall Sultanov, the very first bully from the 90s... the FoS person was also a Muslim. The wars of Islam, huh? Then, Dr. Kalinchenko... another architect of my misery. So many of them are thriving nevertheless. The lesson to learn... applies to everyone involved. You never know what is really going on. Don't make things worse for the people around you. Exercise empathy, if possible. It doesn't cost anything. If we all could be more empathetic... this world could look very different indeed. And... here comes Nullklever. He doesn't create music since 2010. According to him... just because the vibe was lost. Well, you and Denoizer just flushed the idealism away from all the projects. And what took place then? Sic transit gloria Fornax. Once again, quod erat demonstrandum. Denoizer ended up being a hostile raider, and you acted as his sidekick. But then, fairly said, I was surprised to see your inner world when you were on LSD in that forest near Solnechnogorsk in 2008, happy as a clam. You said... 'and we could be happy then, right?' - I appreciated that, witnessing your inherent nature, and you saw me as who I really am, as well. This could be considered as something humiliating for you nowadays, but, once again, I just appreciated the tiny gesture of kindness, and for that I am grateful. Given that you retreated into your shell again afterwards... this tiny glimpse made a difference indeed. Well, there is a wise saying... if you behave well in this life, you won't be born in Russia again. You two made fun of my proficiency in English... I became an author as a result, avoiding everything Russian like a plague. You never know... or, rather, you just don't have any idea, and I doubt that you ever had any..."
"...interesting indeed. Everything I created during 2000s does have a certain message... breaking free from the circumstances. Altering, bending, running away from the impending collapse. Bringing about the change... dissolving the inner chains, escaping the mental cage. No one can enslave you but you, indeed. And, no one can free you but you. You are the architect of yourself and your own fate. You are your own ally and your own adversary. Just don't betray yourself again..."
"...freedom from the resentment is the key as well. The resentment could make one dismiss everything as another 'sob story'. Recalling Antol2007, who described everything as 'the lake of snot and tears'. Well, how you, Antol2007, would react... if you were forced to drink slimy, stinky piss from the Sprite bottle, or, as an alternative, receive it straight in your fucking face? Indeed. I wouldn't wish such fate upon anyone, but I had to... expose... the dehumanization I endured back then. In 2001, when Perevezenkov realized what he had done after making me drinking the piss, he became frightened and was saying nervously that the piss was clean, mentioned urinotherapy and such... the damage was done nevertheless. When the whole world got to know about the multiple instances of dehumanization, and the Swedish Migration Board said that this wasn't enough to consider me a refugee... in the end, they gave me the permanent right to stay in Sweden after I went over the limits in exposing the truth, being at the mercy of many people here and there. Anyone, after all that, would receive enough damage in order to start channelling the entities from the outer space. You can't heal in the cold environment though. The Russian bunker ended up being a sharp contrast to the treatment in the police station in 2007... the bunker was dark and cold, but not scary. But, instead of healing, I got the metaphoric metastases all over me..."
Seclorance "Fistful of Slices and Dices" was released by Qaias in May 2008 and reissued by BPM Front in August 2009. This album was quite controversial. “Kitschy and humiliating” experimental music, inspired by Monty Python and influenced by the LSD trips of Vargas, ended up being too eccentric for the supporters of Alter-X, even if Vargas turned away from dark ambient towards already explored territory of "tribal industrial music"... well, not exactly. The recording was obviously inspired by Techno Animal, but it was still too original to classify. “Fistful..." feels very acid, very misanthropic, very aggressive, but aggression and misanthropy were expressed in a bit unusual way on the recording, which was, as well, one of the most layered and complex recordings Vargas ever created. Although the sound was a bit muddy, nevertheless "Fistful..." sounds better than “Exile”. The recording included remixes of “Salvia Divinorum” by Triad and “Windowpane” by Seclorance. "Evolution" was previously known as "Music Evolution", and the last track is called just "Another Spin" on the reissue. “Dork Electro” was one of the first quiet expressions of dissatisfaction with “the politics” of Alter-X at the moment, but it was still too subtle for Denoizer and Nullklever to grasp. But, they understood what Vargas meant, eventually, and, perhaps, these covert actions were one of the reasons why Qaias got jettisoned later on.
"...one thing that hasn't really changed is... indifference coming from those I considered as friends. I really managed to fall out with almost everyone. But then, everything just points out that my roots are elsewhere. At least, I started finding out again where do I really belong. I don't have any control over who comes into my life, but I have to make sure that only the best ones are to stay. There is a huge progress, but a lot is to be done still. I shall lower my expectations of people as well. Once the basics are here, and they are here already... then everything gets easier..."
"...the small bag with my first MP3 player in 2006 felt very nice. Listening to Coil on my way to the healthcare centre, getting the certificate stating that I am not a registered junkie... enduring the summer heat... oh, the reminiscence. Many do it when they become old, but I do it now, in order to move on... there is not much to reminisce about. I ended up being quite infamous, utterly isolated... but, not miserable anymore. Nowadays, just shedding the old skin in order to enjoy the sunrise..."
To be continued...
Ars_Sonor on 03/02/2017 at 03:15PM
"...I AM YOUR GOD! BOW DOWN TO ME! WORSHIP ME! OBEY ME NOW! You... will... obey... me... aaaaaaah..."
"...the FoS person again. How does it feel for you? You created a monster in my mind. You planted it within me. And, you left me... to deal with it on my own. Time for the monster... to meet its maker. Do you like it? Oh, you should... 'Enjoy your own misery', you said. 'Kill yourself', you said... to me. Now... meet the monster. Your own creation. Face it. Take it with you and don't come back. Take your knife that you pierced me through with, as well. I am healing... finally. I ascend. I transcend. I transmute. I transform. And, so it is..."
"...no, really. You told me to kill myself. This is documented by my former PTSD therapist, and, I guess, I could get some papers from my current therapist as well, if necessary. I am not harassing you anyhow by telling the truth. The law would be on my side. Just accept... just accept what you've done to me..."
"...recalling the certain incidents... I paid the full price, in the end. For the bad decisions as well. Sometimes, I wonder whether the past life karma exists at all... it could be real very much indeed. Linda lived with her husband just nearby Ownsi Lense. The FoS person lives just nearby Wub-Wuba. Karma, indeed. Who did I hurt profoundly in Malmö during my past incarnations... I have no idea. But then, I'm done with it all. Enough is enough..."
"...I shall be very grateful that I can express myself. Everyone has a story to tell, but not everyone could do it. Millions can't... but still. Someone profoundly broken, telling a lot of unrelatable stuff to the others, being made fun of, and being totally oblivious about it... what could be more miserable than that? I strongly believe that the limits and the shape of misery were firmly defined when the realization hit me brutally in August 2015, and the universe could respond properly to this, at last. The noosphere, the Source, or, as some could call it, God... responded by shifting away the circumstances towards... something else in the line. If we perceive the Source as some sort of lasagne... there is no destiny. Just... whatever goes next within this enormous lasagne of experiences. We all could be composed of... millions of experiences, the tiny bits of the stuff that everyone else who existed before, who exists and who will come into existence, experienced, experiences or will experience somehow. A bit of this stuff from your great-grandparents, then another bit from that girl in America... millions of karmas, basically. Perhaps, we even fall in love with those who got the most of us within themselves during the past incarnations... You can't control what you order in this 'karma bar', but you don't necessarily get what you deserve. Looks like the foggy place I experienced when I died is, basically, the source and the ultimate destination for all of us. The biggest challenge within this place is defining everything within it... since, obviously, you don't have such awareness then as when you're alive. If you stop resisting and figure out what you have to figure out during the lifetime... you might move on and never reincarnate again. The understanding is pretty much universal in many ways, this planet is a huge sandbox... enormously dangerous one... with the tribes fighting tirelessly, still. The eternal problem of humanity... taking sides, being in perpetual conflict. Not much has changed since the dawn of mankind. During your development you have to take sides, due to your inherent traits, for instance, or... the experiences. But then, the next step is always reconciliation. With the self, first and foremost. Then, defining clearly what do you want, strive and thrive... and yeah, the next destination awaits. My time here is very limited. I came here with Halley's comet, and I might go with it, or, a bit later than that. Who knows?.."
"...but yeah, if we all, who ended up in this... celestial meat grinder... participate within the processes that are random inherently... this is very appalling. But then, we have the ability to make sense of things... thanks for that, at least. By the way, some of the former .NBK Records artists actually encouraged me to kill away the character, when they got to know all the circumstances. At the moment, there was no other resort than that. Those who know the full truth... would never judge me. Right now, the old pain is dissipating, the flashbacks of the past pop up less and less. I can breathe more easily... and I'm almost done with the roasting, there is little point in that. No self-blame as well..."
"...I've found my niche at last. The search for the right vibe is over, I know where do I belong. There is one thing I need to work on still, the methods of connection with the world and the new people. One particular fear shapes a lot within my communication... contributing to social anxiety I experience still..."
Bleakness enveloped the entire being of Vargas completely and influenced their perception of things that happened around them. Seclorance “Exile”, released by Qaias in March 2008 and reissued by BPM Front in September 2009 without eighth track, was, according to the description, “a bleak and depressing crossover between dark ambient and hip-hop, and the attempt to express stress that one could feel as a resident of a huge city”. Feeling “exiled” from the studies and the society in a way, wandering around Moscow aimlessly every day, and feeling nothing but contempt for themselves and everyone around, Vargas managed to create their one of the most solid and focused recordings, in the end. Samples from “Full Metal Jacket” and “The Spook who sat by the Door” deepen dark and somehow sarcastic edge of the recording further. The title track, “Exile”, apparently, was recorded the next day after a very bad LSD trip of Vargas, and was used later for a video called “Zapasny vykhod” by Dew Thirteen in June 2009. Apparently, the studio got the idea right! There are the ways out of misery, indeed...
The next day after the release of “Exile” NBKLine, now renamed to X-Line, released its final demoscene-inspired compilation. One of the strictest requirements of Denoizer and Nullklever was jettisoning the idea of musicdisks. According to them, they had better ideas, namely, so-called “special Russian scene compilations” of electro-industrial and rhythmic noise, “On the Parallel Front” and “Movement” respectively. These ideas were quite good, but, by getting rid of the demoscene spirit, even if Alter-X had projects like NaRick in its roster, the netlabels turned into something different; the point of no return was passed again. A new netlabel within Alter-X for “the extreme forms of rhythmic electronic music”, like rhythmic noise, hard IDM and digital hardcore, but initially just for t_error 404, Absetzer, was launched few weeks later. On April 12th, 2008, Alter-X organized its second (and final) event in dedication to International Day of Human Space Flight, in the planetarium of Russian Armed Forces Culture Centre, featuring Fornax, t_error 404, Interior Disposition and Deltamorphon. Each participating artist prepared a space ambient set powered by video footage provided by the planetarium. Perhaps, this was the best thing that was ever done within the whole Alter-X project, a successful event for everyone, and for Vargas as well; they considered this event one of the brightest moments of their life. All the differences were suddenly forgotten by everyone, as it always happens when space is involved. Still, this did not really improve the mood of Vargas in general...
"...some things never change. Denoizer is clinging big time to his version of the events, trying to keep things in his own way desperately. You know, Denoizer, in my eyes you are nothing else but a hostile raider, who just took advantage of someone who didn't have a fucking clue at the moment. People with your mindset perform, for instance, real estate fraud, taking away property from the elderly or the disabled. Just like my first ex, but, comparing to you, even that ex of mine had some dignity. This is what you've done, basically... I built 'the house' where I hosted 'the community', I let you in, you and Nullklever took over and threw me away eventually, or, rather, made me leave, even if this was my only 'housing', and the circumstances were, indeed, dire... I 'died'... mind you, I already experienced death 'in real life', and been through the situations where I was close to physical dying many times, later on surviving in Sweden undocumented and homeless during 2012-2013, so my actions during September 2010 onward were completely justified... but, no one bothered to mention who I was and who I am really... within that tiny VK group created by your friends, my identity was forgotten by everyone, out of 'inconvenience' for you all, perhaps... that's why I decided to create AV Legacy, and I am writing this book as well, in order to get the facts as straight and truthful as possible. I became forgotten and you thrive... on my 'property', that you abandoned anyway in 2013. Quod erat demonstrandum. Tough luck, they could say. Unfortunately, it stands... firmly in the past though. But, you know what... I am by no means the count of Monte Cristo. I have my own mission. After I'm done with the book, you will be non-existent to me. Guess what, I am just moving on! Utterly. Completely. Just. And, so it is..."
To be continued...